Facing Ambiguous Loss
March 12, 2025
When foster care, kinship, and adoption are part of your family’s experience, many of your family members have likely dealt with experiences of ambiguous loss. This type of loss is often overlooked in our society and can lead to strong feelings and trouble coping. Kevin Moe writes for CEHD that, “[a]mbiguous loss describes a loss that remains unclear and thus has no resolution.” Today we’ll look at what ambiguous loss might look like in the context of child welfare and what resources and supports can help.
In a piece for the Mayo Clinic Health System, Rich Oswald notes that, “ambiguous loss can be a loss of emotional connection when a person’s physical presence remains, or when that emotional connection remains but a physical connection is lost. Often, there isn’t a sense of closure.
Ambiguous loss can feel lonely, stressful and confusing. Your feelings need to be validated and the significance of the experience recognized. However, there’s often no formal recognition from others that a loss has occurred — or if others do acknowledge it, they show no recognition that it is of any major significance. You may have intense sorrow, numbness, bitterness, persistent longing, pain, rumination, guilt and anger.”
If you, or someone you love, is dealing with the effects of ambiguous loss, know that you are not alone, that your feelings–whatever they may be–are valid.
CHILDREN AND YOUTH IN CARE
Young people in the child welfare system experience a multi-layered plethora of ambiguous losses—from a lack of daily awareness of what is happening with their parents and siblings to uncertainty about what home, community, and identity mean to them.
BIRTH FAMILIES
In addition to living without their children in their homes, birth families may also struggle with feelings of loss of control over their family situation, changes in their sense of identity as parents and siblings, and uncertainty about the future.
FOSTER AND KIN CAREGIVERS
Changes in the current household and family structure can be aspects of ambiguous loss for foster and kin caregivers. This may be especially troubling for kin caregivers, as relationships with other family members may also be strained or splintered as a result of decisions that are made about the child’s welfare. And if a child returns to living with their birth parents or is adopted by another family, the sense of loss that caregivers feel may be profound and seem to be without resolution.
ADOPTIVE FAMILIES
Loss is one of on-going challenges of adoption because it is at the center of how adoption happens. While many people think of adoption as a joyful experience, those involved know that the complexity of loss means that each family member may experience challenging emotions at many different points in life.
CHILD WELFARE WORKERS
While little research has been done in this area, it stands to reason that the impact of supporting children and families without necessarily knowing the outcomes of their stories might also mean that child welfare workers sometimes feel a sense of ambiguous loss. Especially as this is part of a social worker’s job, those around them may fail to value the impact of these losses.
WHAT CAN HELP
Rich Oswald identifies the following five strategies in his piece for the Mayo Health Clinic.
“Remember these coping tips as you navigate your ambiguous loss journey:
Identify your loss. It’s important to validate your ambiguous loss. One way to do this is to write down everything in your life that has changed or will change due to your loss. Nothing is too small to include. Don’t minimize your list, as that can short-circuit your journey. A list for a parental estrangement may include wedding dress shopping together, sending Mother’s Day cards or holiday gifts, having inside jokes and more. The list for an incarcerated loved one may include lost holidays and milestones, vacations, daily conversations and physical intimacy. The list for a loved one suffering from dementia may include planned trips, sharing holidays, living in the same place and shared memories. When you are done with your list, share it with a trusted friend, family member or mental health counselor.
Recognize multiple emotions. During the grieving process, many people experience multiple emotions simultaneously. You can feel relieved to have your divorce finalized but saddened over the loss of the future you envisioned. A loved one’s dementia diagnosis can make you distressed, even as you welcome the opportunity to spend more quality time together and continue to visit often.
Don’t compare. It’s impossible to compare emotions because people aren’t simple or the same. There are many variables or contributing factors that are more or less important to each person. It’s not helpful to minimize your grief because your situation doesn’t include death.
Remember that grieving can compound as well. For example, a person could be moving a child to college, caring for an ill family member and coming to terms with an estranged loved one. Separately, these situations may be manageable, but when they happen simultaneously, the person could struggle with deep feelings of ambiguous loss.
Consider ceremonies. When there is a physical death, it’s common for the community to gather to pay tribute to the lost person and lend support to those grieving. Traditions vary, but there is usually a memorial service, sharing of meals and retelling of happy memories. While full closure may not be possible with ambiguous loss, ceremonial activities can provide therapeutic benefits. You could write a letter to the person, plant a tree, donate money or time, host a remembrance ceremony or do other meaningful activities. A mental health counselor can help you find a creative way to process your loss through such ceremonies.
Seek support. People aren’t meant to carry their emotions alone. Most need others to help them work through their feelings and move forward. Family members, friends, social support groups and your faith community are good resources to help you work through your feelings. You may be able to find a support group focused on a particular type of ambiguous loss, such as divorce, estrangement, addiction or missing persons. Professional counseling can help you explore your emotions and develop healthy coping skills.
Feelings of loss and sadness due to ambiguous loss are valid. Talk with a professional mental health counselor if you have anxiety or trouble performing daily tasks. There’s nothing wrong with your reactions or emotions, but a counselor can help you live more freely.”
THE INVISIBLE STRING THEORY
While it can be hard to come to terms with not knowing, Megan Patterson writes that, “we are all linked to those we love, regardless of physical distance or separation, by an intangible, yet powerful bond. The thesis of the Invisible String Theory lies in the idea that love knows no bounds and transcends the limitations of time and space.” May this idea provide solace for you and those you care for.
RESOURCES
- Unnamed Pain: Coping with Ambiguous Loss
- Ambiguous Loss Haunts Foster and Adopted Children
- Experiencing Grief
- Helping Families Learn to Live with Ambiguous Loss
- Ambiguous Loss : When Closure Doesn’t Exist
- Adoption Competencies and Ambiguous Grief
- The Invisible String Theory: The Unseen Connections That Bind Us
- The Invisible String, Patrice Karst Read-Aloud (for children)
- Caregiver Training & Resources – Vermont Child Welfare Training Partnership
- Podcast Library – Vermont Child Welfare Training Partnership
- Trauma Informed Practice/Parenting – Vermont Child Welfare Training Partnership
- Adoption – Vermont Child Welfare Training Partnership
- RPC + – Vermont Child Welfare Training Partnership
- VT-CWTP Publications, Annual Reports, and Newsletters – Vermont Child Welfare Training Partnership
- On-Line Learning – Vermont Child Welfare Training Partnership
